I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
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coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going