FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
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I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
me when i see my girls butt
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
#catsoftwitter