Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
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bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.