Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
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My only stock options are chicken and beef.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?