[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
As the Lord intended
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.