Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
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“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.