Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
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Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more