HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
You Might Also Like
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
thank god
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.