Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
You Might Also Like
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
What fresh Hell is this?!?
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath