Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
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I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients