I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
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Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I’m not proud
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.