{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
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Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened