I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
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“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.