When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
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I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
#ProTip
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Google Pay be like:
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.