Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU