I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
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Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.