me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
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i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit