I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
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*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work