When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
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I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers