Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
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The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”