Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
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Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Finished stitching this today 😇
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch