[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
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a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
My kitchen overserved me.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.