Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
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[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
every single time
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.