every single time
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The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
How to properly lift a body
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?