“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
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I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray