A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
You Might Also Like
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
British websites use biscuits.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.