My chiropractor is a crack addict.
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The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.