I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
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Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
What kind of a cult is this?
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Waiting for the Charmin
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.