“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
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I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
real
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Kids, do not try this at home!
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.