I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
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Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
This is so me 😂😂
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please