justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
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Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
ACED my prostate exam!
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income