Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
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Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha