John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
You Might Also Like
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?