Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
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Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
sigh
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Said the murderer.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!