People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
You Might Also Like
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
The French word for sex is croissant.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.