“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
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Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
My time has come.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.