Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
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Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
no such thing as a dumb question
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.