I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
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Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I don’t make the rules sorry
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift