Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
You Might Also Like
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb