Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
You Might Also Like
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth