[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
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[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Breaking news:
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident