*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
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My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I mean…but I did
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Des Moines Police having a normal one
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Science memes