If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
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[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit