Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

If only.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”