If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
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[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone