If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
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Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
#Caturday
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter: