*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
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“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.