if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
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my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
#FunnyLife Insects
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.