I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
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Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
😅🤣😂
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.