😅🤣😂
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Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.