Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
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To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
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