Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
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When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
fired
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
When they try to steal your moment.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?