He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
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“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
[montage of me giving-up]
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Respect
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking