Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
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Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Just parrot things
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.