Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No