Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
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*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
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If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
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No. YOU-buprofen.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Hitlers gonna hitl
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.