Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
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If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now