her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
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CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?